I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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