Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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