i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
