I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
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