I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
