I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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