I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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