Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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