I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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