just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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