I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
