Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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