listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
