Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
