omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
