You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
