DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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