Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
