Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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