Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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