Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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