i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
