We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
this beer tastes like vomit already
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Your shirt... Was in my pants
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
