If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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