my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
