i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
