I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
