Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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