last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize