He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
