had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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