Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
