I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
