you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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