somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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