I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
