listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
