Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if only i could text you this smell
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
