I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
