the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She bit a glass in half.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
