honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
