4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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