i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
