Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
