I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize