so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Randomize
