Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
