This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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