I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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