My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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