You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
