Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
