Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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