i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
