I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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