I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We need a shit load of segways right now
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
