peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
