Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
