Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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