If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
